Vowel Movements

Consider this:

The following is a satirical poke at the Powers That Be Running Things.

Our children are being raised in an age that tells them:

    • All men are evil pigs. Apparently there are lists proving as much—written by angry women, of course. Soon, men won’t even be allowed to look at a woman without being accused of sexual harassment. The future is female!
    • Gender is an option. This is the new catchall tagline for transgenders (I mean gender non-conforming, genderqueer, trans-man, trans-woman or gender-fluid people). I suppose that, technically, gender is an option, if you’re cool with assaulting the natural order of things by subjecting your body to unnatural levels of certain hormones. Oops, I used ‘unnatural’ in the same paragraph as ‘transgender’; I must be an evil pig man! Somebody call the Cut, put me on the Crappy Media Men list.
    • If you happen to have black skin, you must be oppressed. When Obama was elected president, I thought ‘Well good, maybe having a black president will eradicate any residual racism in America.’ But instead, he reminded black people that they were black, as if this were ‘something to overcome’ rather than a non-issue, and cleverly managed to instigate uprisings and condone media coverage of manufactured bigotry. Suddenly white people were racist descendants of slave-owners, trying to keep the black man down. Media specials included footage (which quickly turned viral) of white police officers shooting black individuals. Naturally we were never shown the beginning of these videos. You couldn’t help but wonder why—except that eventually the truth did come out (and was swiftly silenced), that the apparent victims had in fact broken the law and then either: ran from the police, resisted arrest, or pulled a gun on the police officers). It also never came out that white police officers shot far more white perps than black. Maybe there are more stupid white perps than black . . . but if so, the news people must’ve seen this as less sensational. Either way, the best method for old school racism turned out to be the old classic standby: smashing storefront windows.
    • Gay Power! Being gay is better than being straight because being gay means you get preferential treatment, and if you don’t, then everyone else is just being homophobic. Those narrow-minded poopies running the courts clearly have an agenda. And if a store owner refuses to make me a gay-inspired cake, then I’ll sue the bejeebers out of him. How dare he stick to his religious beliefs and rights! What about my rights to demand and to get anything I want just because of my sexual preference? Love yourself!
  • Gun control. Down with the S.A.F.E. Act! If I want a thousand rounds for my semi-automatic, then innocent Americans have nothing to say about it, gull-dern-it. I wanna hunt me sum deer. I need my AK-47 and all the ammo I can carry, the Constitution says I can, don’t tread on me, I have the right to ‘bear’ arms, as many as I want—theytookourguns! (But not really.)


  • If we’re being completely honest, the only group it is still politically correct to marginalize today is the Straight White Christian Male. If you are a SWCM, you must be a homophobic racist small-minded evil pig man. Better start seeking ‘alternative lifestyles’ and try to be more progressive.

Visualizing the future of such a generation gorgifies me. Who will your son/daughter be when he/she/other grows up?

Well, men are evil, so your son will have to start by becoming your daughter.

Step 1: He’ll have to take massive doses of estrogen, and undergo SRS. Hopefully your . . . offspring will resist the urge to commit suicide (there is a 40% chance this will happen for any gender-fluid person. But the media would have you believe otherwise).

Next, your daughter will have to hate men (now the opposite sex), because men are evil. So she will have to prefer women, which may or may not make her gay, I’m not really sure at this point. Next on the list is getting some skin treatments to make sure she is: neither white (to keep her from becoming racist) nor exactly black (to keep her from being oppressed).

Now that she is Michael Jackson, she will have to arm up. We’re talking gun shows, trunk-bunkers, gun cabinet parties, the whole nine millimeters baby!

Finally, she needs to reject all organized religion as the work of corrupt idiot pig men and instead embrace ‘spiritualism’ which is really just atheism masquerading as self-worship—or maybe it’s the other way around. In either case, I’m right, because according to Oprah there are no wrong belief systems.

Now imagine an entire generation of these confused, angry, traditional-values-shaming people running the world. I guess it wouldn’t even be that bad, so long as the government pays to arm teachers, and our heroes keep overdosing on ‘prescription meds’ or turning out to be sexual predators (here’s looking at you, Mr. Cosby), instigating a massive movement that allows an entire gender to jump on the bandwagon of opposite-gender-hating #MeTooism.

Side Note: I’m starting to think trans-women make up the smartest group out there.

I guess what I’m saying is, I feel for the marginalized SWCM’s of America. Maybe you’ll say they had their time in the sun. But could someone please pay attention to this minority group, make special arrangements for them and give them preferential treatment just because they feel marginalized? No? Okay, I guess they’ll just have to take to the streets and march to the beat of their own drums.

Let’s print up some pickets and Google some inspirational slogans. Everything’s copasetic!

That was fun. Have a nice day and, as always, God bless. (P.S. try not to take things so seriously; life’s short, so have a little pun.