On Monday, Guy of Guy Morley’s Protest Emporium opened an active line of query in his Protest Requests Chat Line. It read precisely like this:
‘Do you sell ‘Not My President’ t-shirts?’
Though he liked to think he kept abreast of every current flavor protest, this was a new one by Guy. He typed: ‘I can create almost any text on a t-shirt, but I like to know exactly where my customers are coming from. Would you mind telling me which president is not yours? Is it the French president? The president of Mexico?’ This last one seemed the most likely candidate, given the current state of things.
‘No’ the user returned. ‘The American president. He’s not my president. He’s a despicable klod.’
Guy wasn’t entirely sure what a klod was, but he thought he was beginning to understand. This customer must be a foreigner. He tapped back: ‘Might I ask where you live, then?’ He didn’t like to cater to foreigners when they so clearly hated the United States.
‘No, I from Kentucky, bro! This guy is not my president.’
‘Okay,’ Guy tried. ‘Has Kentucky by any chance seceded from the United States?’
‘What? No man! I just want me some ‘not my president’ shirts. Can u do it or not?’
‘Well, yes. I can do it.’
‘Good then. Jeezalou!’
‘Are you an American resident?’
‘What the heck kind a question is that? R u insultin me, man? Course I’m an American, I just done said I live in Kentucky. So will you make my shirts or what?’
‘I don’t believe I will,’ Guy typed out.
‘What the sam hill does that mean?’
In his comfy office chair, Guy sighed before typing a response. ‘Look, I don’t think we’re seeing eye-to-eye here. Perhaps you could explain to me exactly how the American president is not your president, when you confess to be an American citizen, currently residing in America, and this man is the standing American president?’
‘#!+k! Suma#^%&@. I don’t like the guy. He’s mentally unfit fascist idiot! HENCE HE IS NOT MY PRESIDENT! Send me the blasted shirts!’
‘Okay,” Guy said. ‘Now that we have that cleared up and you have told me who your president is not, I’ll strike a deal with you. I will make your shirts, if you can tell me who your president is.’
Several minutes passed by. Guy heard his assistant, Jimmy the Stock Boy, answering a question out on the sales floor: “Sorry, we’re all out of ‘It’s my body’ placards. A Right To Life group came in and bought the whole stock.”
Finally a ping dinged from his computer. The user had responded at last to Guy’s query. It was a simple if clichéd response and it resolved the issue quite nicely.
It read: ‘FU’
Later that day Guy asked Jimmy if he had ever heard of ‘Not my President’
“Course,” Jimmy replied. “It’s kind of a thing right now. Hey, I bet there might be a market for t-shirts, you know, that say ‘Not my President’ on them.” He grinned and returned to work, helping a woman locate the #metoo bumper stickers.
There Must Be Something to this Protest Thing
I created Guy Morley and his Protest Emporium as a sort of ribbing to the shocking number of protests and marches and riots we’ve seen these past couple of years. It’s a good writing prompt and I believe it’s important, in these serious times, to have a little fun with tense subjects, man. There must be something to it, because readers seem to like these Protest Emporium posts. So thank you, and keep protesting . . . whatever steams your biscuits.